πŸ’­ Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside?! Random thoughts! πŸ’­

Hey beautiful boys and girlies!

So, I was sitting down to write about something entirely away from the subject of hair (or lack of, in my case)…….. HOWEVER, I guess after today……. I have a lot on my mind, and I have been thinking about a lot of this…….over the past two years.

So 31st of July was my 2 year “Bald-iversary” and it has been a crazy two years! Not only alopecia wise – but so much has happened….. and I am sure that I shall fill you all in very soon.

I guess I have neglected the blogging, and not really fully gotten in to the world of publishing my nonsensical chat. I often begin to write, and it becomes “too personal,” or just down right boring!

So today, I was at the AUTOIMMUNE ALOPECIA RESEARCH UK Charity family fun day event, and it was a really great day that has left me thinking over my hairless journey. Β More importantly; my views on myself, my life – some of this due to the alopecia “kick start!”

So the gorgeous Nicola organised an amazing event, and it was so lovely to just be able to go along and try to help out. (TRY being the operative word!) Β It was a happy day, and I just felt so wonderful! Thank you, Nicola!

For those of you lovely friends and family and people who know me…… you may (or may not) know that I have been rather AWOL / MIA from life in general…. due to my physical health the past 9 months or so.

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However,

 

I am beginning to feel so much better, and it is nice to slowly manage to become a part of the functioning human race – and feel more “NORMAL” (I have never fitted in to any societalnorms……. but that is for another day).

 

I had the honour and privilege of talking to some new friends today. I spoke to someone new to their hairloss journey, and I guess it got me thinking over my own journey through this crazy world.

I am so blessed in so many ways. I have a wonderful and supportive family……. I have good friends……. and although many may disagree – I have my health. And as a very wonderful Uncle recently said to me “Michelle, your health is your wealth!” This is so true.

Physically, I am not in the best of health……. However, emotionally and mentally I am well…….and content. To me, I feel that “good health” is very subjective. Again, I am away at a tangent!

To many, Alopecia is just a word. To me, it is not actually about the physical “hair loss.” This may sound a little ‘off the wall,’ as that is exactly what the word means. ALOPECIA = HAIRLOSS.

However, the physical loss of hair does not pose a huge physical issue to me (other than the persistent feeling of being cold with a runny nose and itchy eyes!)

Alopecia to me – it is a blessing, but I felt it was a curse. It has been a discovery of who I am….. and my perceptions of many things have changed.

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To me, it was so incredibly overwhelming to lose my hair. I would always laugh and joke about my hair falling out. On the outside, I was seen to be “emotionally strong and full of fun”……….I did not feel anything of it was funny. I did not feel strong. I did not have control over the condition…… I did not cope. I did not cope….. At. All.

Often, I would come home and I would cry and emotionally fall to pieces. I felt that my world was coming apart, and I began to question everything about myself. It was a sense of loss of identity. My appearance is not important to me from a vanity point of view……. but it is the physical embodiment of what I associate as my sense of identity. Losing the person I knew in the mirror posed the feeling of losing my identity.

I guess meeting people today………. whilst the day itself was happy and amazing……it reminded me of those feelings I had. I looked at people around me today and thought………life is wonderful, but life can be tough. Not just due to one thing or another – but we each have a journey – and sometimes that walk becomes tough.

SO many people we know so well…… others we may not know at all…….. whilst people may seem so positive and content…….. Do we know how they feel inside?

 

I guess for me today – and thinking over my own journey – it made me think that really I don’t know how people may feel. We can often be so clever and so great at portraying a positive and happy demeanour…..be the life and soul of the party…… but sometimes, we may feel as though inside we are screaming and crying.

 

I know that at times in my life, I have seemed the happiest person in the world to so many……….. and I have become a master at hiding my hurt……. ON THE OUTSIDE…… I have worn a disguise of happiness whilst under the mask has been someone wishing that people would see the hurt. I am sure that I am not the only one to have felt this way or behaved in this manner? We humans are an enigma!

I guess I am in a good place just now, emotionally and mentally. I have been thinking a lot about what things bothered or upset me when I felt low. I have been contemplating life (maybe not in great depth)…… and I have been realising…….. do I always think about how my friends and family feel?

 

Do I take the time to ask how people REALLY feel inside? Do I accept the superficial, or do I really listen and pay attention?

I have decided that I need to make it my mission to try to always be kind. I worry for many at times, and I wish I could help people…… but I do not always seem to be good at complimenting people, or using kind words and showing love to others.

 

This has become a bit of a rant. I guess I am just writing a jumble of thoughts down here. A cacophony of nonsense!

 

I am unsure whether this will make sense to anyone other than me, but I felt I wanted to write – this is what seemed to happen to the blog page!

 

If you have made it to the end of this……. I am so impressed!

Be kind to yourself……….

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It is okay to feel down at times and to struggle. We are human, and that is life. I guess my thinking is that if you ever feel low – it can be so difficult to show that to others. It can be tough to say emotionally things are difficult – no matter the cause. It is important to share this with others, and show yourself the πŸ’— you would to other people you care for.

 

Life can throw a few curve balls at times. You are special. You are one of a kind. No-one else can ever know your path or journey, as no-one else has walked it.

I shall go, as I feel I am blethering a whole load of nonsense now!

 

Until next time (if I haven’t scared you off),

Sending lots of πŸ’— and hugs your way guys,

Michelle

xxx

2 comments

  1. Hi Michelle – yes I did read to the end, yes it does resonate. I made myself ill, the conflict between the inner feelings and the outside happy mask. Could never work out which was real, how to manage both at the same time, when they were opposites, grateful and ungrateful, happy and depressed. The answer is, they are both elements of the whole, people are complex and multi faceted, we don’t exist on one level. Bit slow to realise that. Big statement… “Its OK to feel what you feel”.
    You always speak such truths, kindness comes in many forms, a direct comment may not happen, but the smile, the words of comfort via social media, reaching someone in the darkness, the time taken to do that, is kindness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah Beverley…… you are such a wise woman. You help so many and are always so intuitive in know what to say to others. I really admire you. Thank you x

      I do agree – it is easy to say it is ok to feel our feelings…… but that is not as easy as it sounds at times.

      I absolutely agree….. people are complex…… we often have conflicting thoughts with feelings and emotions x x x

      Like

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